[identity profile] capra-maritimus.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] toilanddrouble
Title: The Black Steward of Gondor
Author: Fishgoat ([livejournal.com profile] capra_maritimus)
Word Count: 200
Genre: FP
Characters: Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Lurtz
Source text: FOTR movie verse
Rating/Warning: Um, character death (sort of...)
Disclaimer: Characters and universe belong to the estate of JRR Tolkien. Based on a scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, also not owned by me. No money made from this. (As if.)
Author's Comments: Once upon a time I had started a tradition that whenever I joined a new fandom I would write a Dead Parrot Sketch-inspired fic using the characters from my new playground. That never really happened with LOTR - for some reason the Dead Istari Sketch never made it past the idea stage. I think I can live with this drouble instead. :D

Boromir: I command you to stand aside!

Orcs: We move for no man.

Boromir: So be it!

[Boromir fights orcs. Lurtz shoots him with an arrow]


Lurtz: Now stand aside, maggot breath.

Boromir: 'Tis but a scratch.

Lurtz: A scratch? You're shot through!

Boromir: No, I'm not.

Lurtz: Well, what's that, then?

Boromir: I've had worse.

Lurtz: Filthy liar!

Boromir: Come on, you pansy!

[Lurtz shoots him with a second arrow]

Lurtz: Uruk-hai rule!!!

Boromir: Hah! [kick] Come on, then.

Lurtz: Piss off, the fight is mine.

Boromir: Oh, had enough, eh?

Lurtz: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got two arrows in you!

Boromir: No, I haven't.

Lurtz: Look!

Boromir: Just a flesh wound. [kick]

Lurtz: Stop that.

Boromir: Chicken! [kick] Chickennn!

Lurtz: Right! [shoots third arrow]

Boromir: [falls] Right. I'll do you for that!

Lurtz: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

Boromir: I'm invincible!

Lurtz: You're a looney.

[Orcs grab Merry and Pippin and scarper.]

Boromir: All right, we'll call it a draw.

Lurtz: To Isengard!!

Boromir: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!!

Date: 2006-06-21 08:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] semyaza.livejournal.com
ROFL. No disrespect to Boromir (although I never liked him), but this part suits him perfectly. :D

Date: 2006-06-21 08:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] siouxieq.livejournal.com
Wonderful!! I'd looked at this skit but couldn't work out which characters to use. Boromir is the perfect choice.

I love this Monty Python silliness!!

Date: 2006-06-21 02:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] malakhai.livejournal.com

You are so reading my mind, I was thinking someone needed to do a Lurtz sketch with the Black Knight!

Date: 2006-06-22 01:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] malakhai.livejournal.com
I'm glad you did it, otherwise I would have had to do it, and I'm tired. :D

Date: 2006-06-21 03:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kelllie.livejournal.com
TOO FUNNY!!! I was thinking of doing this sketch with Eowyn, but couldn't quite make it turn out right. This is much more hilarious!! Good show.

Date: 2006-06-22 06:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gardnerhill.livejournal.com
Snerk! Tee hee! Perfect. (The Aragorn - Lurtz duel works very well with the Black Knight scenario too - "I've cut your arm off!" "No you haven't!")


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